I fear death. Plain and simple, I fear it. I fear leaving those I love, I care for. I fear losing everything I've gained in my life thus far. I fear it all and what do I do about it? Jack Shit.

I have talked to many people about this and I get the same answer, no one fears death. No one fears dying so much, in fact many embrace the damn idea. Why? What is so alluring about Death that makes people say that? It's bull shit, no one is not afraid of death. Sure you can sound bad ass and say "I don't fear death, I fear leaving behind my loved ones", but we both know that's not true. Everyone fears death. The moment when your life reaches its end, the candle runs out of wick. You're laying there, either hurt or just old, and you stare at the ceiling, wondering how things got this way. How did the man in black suddenly walk through your door, announce your number and then wait patiently on the couch? You suddenly fear it, him, her, whatever Death is. You have more things to do. You don't want to die just yet! Too many regrets. You never saw China! You never got to see your children grow old, you didn't get to watch your daughter walk down the aisle with a man you don't care too much for but know he will treat her right. You are afraid for your lovers stability. Will they miss me when I'm gone? Was our relationship just a joke? Will they remarry or wallow in pity and sadness until they too die? Death is there, you can see him, he stares at you and you tried to shake your head no. He can't hear you, no one can. He walks away and everything seems off somehow, not cold, not hot, just off. You feel nothing, no emotion, no prickling of the skin. There is no white light, no sound of trumpets for they don't exist. Instead there is nothing but darkness. You feel heavy, you feel tired. You want to sleep, but no! You know that this is wrong, this is death, this is the end of your life. You don't want to go just yet. You thought you didn't fear death, you thought you didn't care, that you were content with your life, but you aren't. You're selfish, you want to continue living, continue waking up each day and going through the same damn routines that had made up your life. You don’t fear death, remember? You fear leaving others behind. But you looked into the face of death, you felt his cold hand on your shoulder and suddenly prickles ran down your spine. You breathing grows short, and you come to the sickening realization that when you go to bed, you wont be waking up. There wont be any new day for you, there wont be any kiss from your lover or you mom, no chores to do, no work, no school, nothing, just darkness.

I am afraid of that. I am afraid of death. I am afraid of losing everything because of how I act, how I eat, how I feel, how I live. Everything seems wrong now. I am fat, I am lazy. I know I should eat better, I know I should go to a gym or hell just go out for a damn walk once in a fuckin' while, but I don’t, because you know why? I would rather sit back and play Resident Evil 5, eat McDonalds, and gorge myself on Oreos. I would rather sit at my computer desk, hunched over, close to the screen, with the lights off, so I can type and pretend Im someone Im not through characters that either don’t make sense or just as disturbed as myself. I would rather sit back and saying that skinny, fit, people are stuck up assholes and should come down to our level once in awhile so they can have that right to stick their noses up to me, to look upon me with pity and shame. But I already know they have. They have felt that pit of gravity weighing down on their chest, they have felt that hardness to breath when you travel up a simple staircase. And they did something about it. They got better, they changed their life, they added twenty years to their overall life expectancy. Me? I'm screwed. Boned, Canned, in the river, whatever the fuck you wanna call it. I know all these things and yet I do jack shit. I continue to sit back and think Im better than everyone else, even though I know Im not. Funny how that works, huh? I can think Im better than others, when I know Im not. I cant win in a fight because Im not strong, Im not refined, Im sluggish, slow, and intimidating, but cowardly when the first punch is thrown. I cant win against a video game because Im not coordinated enough to make the combos necessary to get that 'S' rank or cant just seem to line up my shot on the other guys head fast enough before I myself am shot., Years of practice, they say. Bullshit, I say. I suck, there’s no way around it. I cant win in an argument, no matter how petty, because I cant keep up. When I try to talk fast, my words slur, the letters mix up and I end up making up words that don’t even fuckin' exist, just because I moved one syllable or one letter. Not too mention, I don’t know enough knowledge. I finished High school, I got my diploma, I even have a semester of college under my belt- That is a lie, I dropped out half way through, why? because I felt overwhelmed, I felt stressed, but mainly I was lazy. I figured I didn’t need it right after high school. I figured I should take a year off, to relax and have fun, hell I just got out of high school for crying out loud. Four years of waking up early, doing work, and rules ain’t that fun. I was wrong. I was too lazy. I would rather sit in my chair in my dark room and play Resident Evil or Final Fantasy and dream about being in that world than my own, forever pushing my own reality farther and farther away from me.

I let down everyone, my whole family, my friends. I went from the smartest guy you would know, to the dumbest. Why? Where did that knowledge go? I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, i don't even drink, so why? How? I let it go. I let myself begin to believe that I was nothing, i was trash, I wasn't smart. Why? I could blame it on my grandparents, telling me that I was stupid because I didn't go to school, but we all know that blaming others is just a way of hiding the truth from yourself. No I wont blame them, i blame me. its my lie, my shame. Why did I begin to think that way? because I was too smart? Fuck no, no one can be too smart. I wanted to make people happy, that's my excuse. A poor one, a piss poor one, but an excuse nonetheless. I wanted to make them laugh and smile and I became stupid to do that. Scratch that, that's not the reason. Now that I see it written down, I know that's not the reason. The reason was because I was bringing myself down to their level, my friends back then, so I didn't feel so left out. I'm a smart kid, I was anyway, but I hung out with a bad crowd. I wanted to be accepted, I wanted people to look at me for me, not how I looked. I wore black sweatshirts because I felt comfortable in them not because I wanted to people to think I was Goth or emo. I would've wore red if it matched anything of mine. No, I wanted to be accepted. I wanted friends, I wanted companionship, I wanted happiness. Have I got that yet? NO! I am not happy, I am not content. I cant be. its not in me to just settle down and forget. I want more. I want power, I want friends, I want everything! I am selfish, I am good for nothing.

I am that one guy who was made to take up space. God and the others stared at me and said "What do we do with this one? We cant make him a banker, we've made too many of those. And an athlete, with his background? Not going to happen. What about a president? Nah, I wanted to give him this flabbiness, He cant be a president when he's fat like that. here just throw him out there and we'll worry about him later."

But they never worried about me later. They never came to fix me, and my life. No, there are 52 hundred billion people in this world. Where did I get that number? I don't know, but its true. Fifty Two hundred billion people in this world, it was easy to see how I could get forgotten. I became the guy that took up space in a picture, that filled the gap between the two who actually wanted the photo. I was the one who was made into the 'nice guy'. I'm not dating material, I'm not fucking material, Im not even marrying material. I'm the 'good guy every girl wants' but doesn't want. The 'lets just be friends' guy. Why? What’s wrong with me? is it because I'm fat? I'm sorry, I love to eat, sue me. Wait, please don't, I have NO MONEY! Why? Because I work a dead beat job as a fuckin' janitor for a piss poor excuse of a college run my idiots! Who care nothing for their workers in blue.

I hate my job, I hate my life, I hate MYSELF, and you know what? I'm not going to do a damn thing about it. Why? Because I don't care. I have no ambition what’s so ever to do a damn thing with myself. I would rather sit here and watch television than go out and take a job, which isn't hard to do. I’ve done it before, back when I didn't have a car. How convenient, that a machine to help me get around quicker and easier also helped me get bigger and lazier. McDonald's is not but ten minutes away from me and I still drive and then complain about gas. I'm not an old man, I'm a lazy man, there is a difference. At least an old man has an excuse to sit in his recliner all day and flip through the channels, what do I have?

You don't like my rant? I don't care. I'm not writing this for you. I'm not writing this to show who I really am to you, the reader, because I don't care about you. I don't care about anyone. If I did, I would listen to my moms words as she explains her diabetes and how I could get it, I would listen to my grandparents words as they say to invest my money wisely and not splurge it on food and games. I would listen to my friends as they say to lighten up or don't take things so seriously or that I should think about college. No, Fuck them, fuck you. I'm writing this for myself, so it can get out of my damn head and I can sleep because right now, I cant even close my damn eyes.

Who am I? Why am I here? What was I created for? Do I have a purpose? Do I have a goal in life? Do I feel confident in my choices as a human being? Why do I continue to live in a place that depresses me? Why? Well because I like it. WRONG. I hate it here. Its boring, there's nothing to do, no good jobs, no good pay, outrageous prices on everything, people here are idiots, big fat redneck idiots that make me cringe when they get too close. This place sucks, but why don't i leave? I live on my won now, i can go wherever the wind takes me. I can travel the states, the continents, the world if I wanted to! So why? Family? Maybe. I stayed because I feel I'm needed. I feel like I cant be of use anywhere else and that is a cold, harsh, feeling. the feeling of uselessness. To feel wanted, loved, useful, is all I ever want. To wake up and know someone is thinking of me would make me the happiest man ever. But I don't believe in it. I don't believe in anything. I don't believe in god and his cruel love, I don't believe that there is anyone there who is thinking of me right now. Nothing, no one. Why do I feel so alone? I'm surrounded by people, my family mainly, and yet I feel out of touch, out of place. So do I feel guilty then? I have done terrible things to my family, broken the very foundation of which we stand. It took years to build that back up, but do I feel guilty for it?

Truth is, I never did.

I never felt sorry for what I did, not once. Why? Why must I be so mean, so cold, so cruel? Why? I don't know. I don't feel anything. I don't feel love, I don't feel peace, I don't feel compassion. I do feel hate, i do feel anger, I do feel corruption in me. I am tainted, I am evil, useless. I have a benign smile, a humble look. I look of two things. Either I am extremely humble, like Buddha or a priest I guess, or I look evil, like a rapist or murderer. I sound peaceful, I sound nice. I can be talkative, I can be sweet, I can be kind, I can be generous. But inside, I don't feel it. I feel annoyed, I feel angry, I feel resentment and jealousy. I may smile at you but inside I'm killing you, I'm stabbing your eyes out and laughing as I do it. Why? I don't know myself. I have locked all this away in me, no one knows about it, except you the reader, but how would you know me? You don't know me. You've never seen me. You've never known what has gone through my head, what has been seen through my eyes, what I have had to do to get to where I am now. I have never killed, I have never done the outwardly evil thing. No, I have lied, I have cheated, I have stole, I have coerced, I have forced, and I have put on a mask for those around me. I don’t even think i want to see the real me. The real me would tear up a punching bag if he wasn’t so afraid of the pain he felt when he hit it. That’s pathetic, isn’t it? Afraid of something that cant hit back. Afraid of something that has nothing but fuckin' sand in it. I am a coward, I am a loser, I am a heretic, I am a blasphemer, I am a thief.

I am nothing.

I cant ever leave the prison I have created for myself because I don't want to. I have grown accustomed to these bars that hold me, I have grown accustomed to putting my bowl underneath the door, waiting for food to come, not caring if they've spit or pissed in it. I have grown accustomed to the darkness. Why? because its safe, because its secure, because I don't have to take that risk and get hurt. again. Or was there ever a first time? did I ever actually get hurt before or am I making it up because I want to be pitied? You tell me, Do I sound like a man who wants pity?